well its that time again, im tipsy on stones green ginger wine (dandy with a slice of lime fellows), and about to write some bullshit.

shivers where do i start. life is so up and down. i'm getting used to the ride.  no poo, every half hour my mood changes.  one moment i'm pumped to make something of myself, conquer the world, do every single thing ive ever dreamed of, RIGHT NOW.   

the next, all i want to do is eat and drink myself into oblivion.  self pity is such a flopping bitch.  but its so abusively satisfying hurting yourself while your conscience whines in your ear.  i dont even know what is right and wrong anymore (for myself i mean, i long ago gave up the idea of a universal right and wrong).

i recently discovered that my relationship with a family member was devoted almost entirely to provoking an emotional reaction.  this makes me wonder how i subconciously deal with other people in my life.  and brings me to the only reason that i write these journals.

YOU.

i've got a journal here. its got all my shit in it. you cannot read it unless i say.  but here, i WANT to change your brain. i WANT to make you see wht i see. i know how foolish this is.

don juan once said
                  "i could tell you the secret to the universe, and if the time is not right, you will not understand, nor will you make use of it."

i know this smacks of arrogance, but i will say that it is simply a sharing of information, as every good human does, and will, until we die.  the problem is, the majority of info we get is useless. i could name all the sources, and because you are alternative, or special, or unique in your little leftwing, hippy new agey way you will agree with me.

WELL WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL WATCHING TV THEN, DIPSHIT!!!

change your lives, discover the reason for your being here.  why is your life good? why is it shite?  why are you not confused? why are you confused?

work your self out! there is no better way to spend your time...  other wise you will reach 60-80 yo and realise *insert what you know you will realise when you know you are gonna die without doing what you should have*

and this brings me to the reason my moods are changing so quickly.  my body and soul are evolving, changing. the more shite you find in yourself, the more there is.  this is a one way journey.  there is no way back.  i may stop to recover and catch my breath.  i'll have to ask for directions, as we all do. i may even ask you.   

but i feel something changing.  i hope you can change too.  lets meet on the other side.

"makes me wonder how i subconciously deal with other people in my life.  "

well, there you go.  try and bludgeon them into dogmatic,              non-dogmatic self change.  well, go on then...